Wrestling Match, Round 2,432,753: Donna's Flesh vs. Holy Spirit

Hello, bloggers - I am not dead or lying on the side of the highway somewhere. It seems that this summer has not been as relaxing as I had anticipated, though it has been a good summer. Here are the highlights... (what is up with me and highlights??):

Highlights:
1) Moved across the river to southern Indiana with friends Jen and Lisa - really nice spacious apartment with vaulted ceilings and a private balcony with a view of a lake... okay, it's more like a fancy pond someone dug up, but it's nice
2) Obtained LOTS of free furniture - God has really blessed us in this way, even with a free barely used washer/dryer for us to borrow for a year; we're still waiting for some of it to get to our apartment. We're also looking for twin mattress sets that don't cost an arm and a leg- so far we're bunking on the living room floor using a futon mattress that someone gave us, but two of us have asthma from the dust on the floor. Please pray for wisdom and discernment in being good stewards of our finances
3) Continuing with international student ministries, though it has been scarce since moving has taken up so much time the last three weeks. I am going to pick back up with a bible study I was having with a Chinese couple from last spring starting in August
4) Last week I led the music and the music station at Lisa's church (she is the children's minister there). It was a great week and a lot of fun, but honestly it was also exhausting. Twelve children indicated a desire to learn more about accepting Christ, and six of them made a decision to accept Christ as their Savior and to follow Him as their Lord.. the majority of them were unchurched kids who had never heard the Gospel before. Praise God for His mercy toward such precious children - pray that their decisions be sincere and that the church commits itself to discipleship for them.
5) This week I am picking up a second job to make some extra flow-jo ($$) to cover rent next month and try to save for books. It's a great blessing and just in time, but I'm going to be dead come Friday night. Please pray for strength.
6) Looking forward to seeing Dan & Teresa in town - not entirely sure what is going on with the get togethers- can someone help me out? Thanks
7) Helping to drive for the Mammoth Cave trip this Sunday 24th for International BSU - it will be fun... the students have been looking forward to this for about two months. Pray for safety and good conversations with the students, as many of them are curious about Jesus and the Gospel

Confession:
Spiritually, I have been suffering the last month... actually since I got back from Japan. It's been sort of hit and miss - I'm just confessing this to you all. It's not that I sense God being distant - quite the contrary. It's like I sense Him being near, but I'm holding Him at a distance. I have built up a wall between Him and I with my sin, fear of change and sanctification, and distractions. I find that in those times I become increasingly self-centered, frustrated, and depressed. When I take my eyes off of Christ it's like they are magnetized to myself - and the more I look at myself apart from Christ the most discouraged I become. The more I look at myself the less I desire to go to God out of shame - I won't even bring myself to read His Scriptures, which contain life and truth that my spirit desperately needs.

I came to almost a breaking point yesterday, so weary from the past two months and so self-centered and irritated that I couldn't even enjoy the worship service yesterday morning. All I wanted to do was cry or scream or something, anything. I talked with Lisa a bit last night and she let me have the apartment to myself for a while to just rest and to get into the Scriptures. I was journaling and a verse in Psalm 37 came to mind. I looked it up and began to read over the chapter. It was like ointment to my soul - I began to cry and confess my stubbornness and my sin to the Lord. It was like I was holding God away at a distance until I was so weary that I dropped my arms and let Him hold me. God is so patient with us, even when we act childishly and selfishly for long periods of time. I cling to His faithfulness and His deliverance from the darkness of sin in my heart. I also am committing to become more disciplined in getting up early again to begin my day in prayer and Scripture reading, as well as spending more time during the evening in Scripture - my need for it is overwhelming and I see the consequences of neglecting it very clearly.

How is your relationship with God? Have you been holding Him at a distance? I encourage you to stop fighting and stop gripping onto your apathy, your selfishness, your despair. Let the power of God transform your life. Sometimes we only want an emotional rush or experience from God to make us feel better or closer to Him - but it's the daily walk with God through the Scripture and continual worship through every action, thought, and word that proceeds from us that will have the most lasting effects. Those "mountaintop" experiencing are great, but we cannot sustain them - it would keep our faith shallow and not push us to go deeper and rely on faith more than feelings. Relish those times and experiences when God is so near you can almost feel His breath brush your cheek- but don't just live for those moments. Live with the desire to know God in the everyday, because as Jesus said, "This is eternal life: that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whome you have sent" (John 17:3). If you have accepted the forgiveness of your sin from God through the death and resurrection of Jesus, then you can experience eternal life NOW - through knowing God more everyday.

Please feel free to leave your comments/prayer requests. I'd like to know how you all are doing and I apologize for not being in touch more - I don't have internet at my apartment yet so I am trying to catch up on emails during breaks at work. Anyway, take care everyone and hope to see some of you soon!